Are you stressing out about the holidays because of a loved one with dementia? If so, read on. The holidays are stressful the way it is, but when one we love has dementia, we are even more stressed because of the known, but mostly because of the unknown. This is written from a professional background as a healthcare worker working with dementia, but also from a personal level. My mom had dementia, so I know the stress that is starting to build up. Below are 5 tips that helped me make the season calmer and more enjoyable for not only me, but my mom.
- Make time for yourself; be good to yourself and give yourself a break.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anything or anyone else. You need to realize that you can’t do it all, only do what you can, the best you can. Give yourself a break. Don’t listen to anyone who is complaining to you about everything you are doing wrong or not doing at all. If they aren’t caregiving, they don’t know what you are going through and how difficult it is. Make sure you practice self care. Take a warm bubble bath, go for a walk or exercise, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, watch a funny movie with a friend or go out for a quick coffee by yourself or with a friend. Find a sitter. You can check with an area church, ask friends, family, day care, respite care. Don’t feel guilty for doing this. You deserve doing something for yourself. You need to be at your best and stay healthy and happy. The happier and healthier you are, they better care you can give your loved one. If you can’t get out, ask a friend to come over and do something fun like watching funny movies. You can even include your loved one to have some fun with you. Laughter is the best medicine.
- Involve the individual in the holiday preparations and the holiday activities, while trying to maintain as much normalcy in their routine.
Have your loved one feel a part of the holiday. Depending on what they are able to do and understand, have them help with food preparations, setting the table, folding napkins, making name tags for place settings. If they are at a later stage, have them fold napkins any way they can, color paper to make name tags on, give them a dust rag or Swiffer to help dust. Try to match an activity to their level. They may fight with it at first, but try again a little later, they may want to then. If they get too anxious, just say thank you and we will finish later. You don’t want to get them upset.
- Have a “safe/quiet room” where the individual can go if they start getting upset/overstimulated.
With all the activity going on during the holiday, you want to make sure you have someplace that the individual knows they can go to or you can take them to if they get overstimulated. Loud noise and commotion may very well cause stress, anxiety, and fear. When you notice the individual getting fussy or anxious, nonchalantly go up to them and take them to their safe place. You can have soft, calm music playing in the background that they like. Anything that you know of that they like to hold on to or do when they are agitated or anxious, have that for them to do, if they want.
- Plan your calendar accordingly for when you will need a sitter.
Remember, you want to have a calm and enjoyable holiday, therefore, plan ahead, well ahead. Look at your calendar and mark off what days/times you will need a sitter. If you don’t already have a sitter, as above, check with family, friends, your city’s Human Services Department, etc., to find a sitter. Ask friends if they know of anyone in the neighborhood that will do sitting for a couple hours. Hire them right away. It’s always smart to get a backup just in case if they cancel at the last minute. You can always hire a professional service that does home sitting. They usually have a minimum requirement of 3 to 4 hours. An area adult day care is another option. It not only gives you a break, but your loved one, as well. It also gives them stimulation with doing activities and being around other people.
5. And, last but not least, remember that your loved one wants to be involved, recognized and shown love.
This one was the most important one for me with my mom. They are still “that person,” and should be given the love and respect (even if they are in a late stage of dementia) they deserve. Involving them in conversations, even if they cannot communicate, talking with them is important. Speak in short sentences. Do not give them too much at once. If you are asking them something, ask one short question at a time and give them extra time to respond (if they are able). Look them in the eye, go down to their level if sitting, sit next to them or kneel down facing them. Greet them slowly and with a loving smile. They will respond to your emotions/characteristics. If you are tense, they will be tense. If you look angry, they may shy away and/or respond in anger. They will also be warm and kind back to you if you are warm and kind to them.
A loving way to be with them is to sit and hold their hand, put your arm around them, give then a kiss on the cheek. Look at pictures of past holidays and talk about the old days when “Dad used to dress up as Santa,” or “When Aunt Sally sang Christmas songs off key.” Talk about the old traditions and make new ones.
Lastly, while involving your loved one and making them a part of the festivities, understand and expect the unexpected. There may be spills, accidents (have spare clothing, briefs, …) and arguments, but take them lightly. If you respond in a calm manner, the outcome will be calmer.
Also, of note, is the pandemic. Briefly, everyone has their own opinion, but of utmost importance is the safety and health of the individual, due to age and being immunocompromised.
In closing, the holidays are probably going to be somewhat stressful due to many reasons, however, we can keep them as calm and enjoyable for ourselves, and for our loved one with dementia. Even if you feel they are not “themselves” or remember anyone or anything, they can feel the love of a touch, hug, and feel the warmth of a smile, or loving look into their eyes (at eye level). They may not remember any of the day, but they will have a sense of warmth, love and happiness to take with them. It’s making them happy and feeling loved in the moment, because that is all they have… is the moment. So, don’t be stressed about the holidays, be calm and enjoy your loved one with dementia, for your sake, as well as theirs’. You never know if this will be their last holiday with you! Enjoy them and all their inconsistencies and idiosyncrasies. Happy Holidays.