Boundaries?? You say….Some of us have them and make great use of them and others, well, we say…”What are boundaries???”
According to Berkeley Well-Being Institute, “Psychological boundaries – or the standard by which we want people to treat us – are harder to identify,” compared to a “fence (that) might be used to keep 2 things separate from each other or to provide protection from another entity.”
How we “allow” others to treat us and how far we are willing to let them push our buttons or tell us what to do, how to do it, etc. is a reason we need to set up boundaries. Many boundaries are “situation-specific,” meaning they may change somewhat according to the particular situation. Say you don’t answer calls from a specific person after a certain time because they always seem to need your help or your ear to listen to their complaints, etc. However, if an emergency situation comes up, you do drop those boundaries (or some) to assist in the emergency situation only.
Boundaries are required from things such as how close you allow a person to get up into “your space,” to what time to turn off your phone, what topics you are willing to discuss (the old saying about don’t discuss, finances, religion or politics was made for a reason and still holds true!), what types of language you will accept (e.g., certain swear words or inappropriate comments), to certain topics that trigger you and manipulation, to name a few.
It is more difficult to set boundaries with some people. You know who those are in your life. But, it is so important to set them up and keep them as much as you can. When you stick with your boundaries you will decrease your stress level immensely. You are being true to your needs and beliefs, which decreases stress. When you stick with those boundaries, you are not letting people walk all over you, take advantage of you or manipulate you. You are not allowing them to zap all the energy out of you. You are not letting them guilt you into anything,
When you have a strong awareness into your wants and needs, it makes it easier to keep boundaries. When we know ourselves and are aware of our beliefs, it allows us to really understand who we are and what we are about, which then allows us to relay this information to our family, friends, and others. This allows us to understand what boundaries we need to make.
When we are flexible with our emotions, we can “Accept the reality of the situation accept our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and consider our values – all of which informs our behavior for that given moment. (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi,, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010) “We use psychological flexibility to create and communicate boundaries for each situation rather than imposing a one size fits all approach.” (Berkeley Well-Being Institute)
On the other hand, “When we are rigid in our emotions, behaviors and thoughts we experience psychological inflexibility. Psychological inflexibility is a risk factor for experiencing mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression. (Cherry et al, 2021, Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010) “Moreover it can prevent us from living in a way that is intentionally aligned with our own goals.” (Ciarrochi, Bilich, & Godsell, 2010).
So, you see, there are reasons why boundaries are important. Besides what I stated above, they allow us to protect ourselves from people and situations that may be dangerous or just not beneficial to us.
Boundaries can help us connect deeper with ourselves to better know and understand ourselves, our wants and needs.
By gaining better self-awareness and insight, “we can get to know ourselves in a deeper way and share that with our partners, family and friends. Boundaries can be a way of demonstrating compassion towards yourself and compassion towards others.” (Berkeley Well-Being Institute)
Has this convinced you of setting up some boundaries? I hope so. Sure, it isn’t always (or often) easy to set up and keep boundaries, but once you start, it does get easier and, is such a wonderful gift you can give to yourself.